Hairy Peter
by mini-coops
Summary: Just a story taking the mickey out of Harry Potter
1. Hairy's early years

Once upon a time (that's how all stories start) there lived a little boy called Hairy Peter. It was unfortunately ironic that he an unusual hairdo no hairdresser would come near. He was the first ever boy to have a natural pink Afro (there was a girl from Tokyo that had a natural pink Mohican but that's another story)  
He lived with his Aunt Petunia and his uncle Vernon. They were horrible! They liked everything to be normal so they could NEVER let Hairy outside. It was extremely unlucky for Hairy that his Aunt had got drunk and stupid (stupider than normal) and done naughty things with Vernon which lead to the birth of a thing they decided to name Dudley. Dudley was a pain in the ass and Hairy hated him more than anything. The house Hairy lived in was a beautiful house, perfect in every way but he lived under the stairs in a dusty cupboard full of dust and bugs that liked to nest in Hairy's "hairdo". He stayed here miserably eating only Shitake mushrooms and amusing himself with one of the pens with the moving boats inside He finally escaped when he stole Dudley's mobile and phoned the NSPCC.  
They took him away and shoved him in an orphanage. He wished he had not phoned the NSPCC for his life at the orphanage was much worse. He survived on gruel (somehow he missed the mushrooms) and even though they had a playstation they had no games so Hairy had to wait hours in a queue to have a 5-minute go flipping the lid.  
When Hairy just thought his life couldn't get it surprisingly got better. All because of a letter. The orphanage workers are meant to keep letters private but obviously one of them had a sneak peek. Mrs. Carpen the Orphanage worker was later found dead of shock in the torture chamber with the letter in her hands. Hairy was never bothered by the letters he received, they were normally death threats from his family (they had to pay a 1,000 pound fine) but when he found his letter was the cause of his worst enemy's death his obviously thought it would be something interesting. At first he thought it was a hoax that the Hoghairs school of hairdressing and wizadry were asking HIM to join but something at the back of his mind told him it was true (an enchanted talking owl flew in, pecked his head and told him). He was so excited to escape but how would he? He didn't want everyone to die!!!! So Hairy packed his belongings (1 broken toothbrush and a handful of mouldy shitake mushrooms to remind him of the good days), and ran to the station. 


	2. Hairy makes a friend

Hairy finally reached the train station with a lot of weird stares. He got a little lost because he couldn't find platform 9 ¾  
  
"Excuse me sir!" he yelled at a police officer, "do you know where platform 9 ¾ is?"  
  
"Ok," he said sarcastically, "You follow the flying pig down that corridor and when you get to the giant waterfall you get on the hover car until you reach the land of chocolate, then give £3 to the talking penguin and he'll let you pass"  
  
Hairy remembered his instructions but couldn't find the pig or the waterfall or anything else he described. He gave up sat miserably on a stair. It was only 10 minutes later that he realized a ginger-haired boy was staring at him.  
  
"What do you want??" he asked  
  
"Y-y-you have the.. Y-y-y-your H-h-h-airy peter?"  
  
"Yeh, so what?"  
  
"You're only like the most amazingly sad person in the whole world!"  
  
"I know. It's kinda depressing living with my relatives," "No I didn't mean it like that," Hairy ignored him  
  
"Where's platform 9 ¾?"  
  
"What!!?? Hairy you're going totally mental. Are you glasses broken?" "Excuse me, er-"  
  
"Ron"  
  
"Well Ron! I can clearly see that the ticket says," he looked carefully at the ticket "Platform 9 at 3.40pm, let's go we're gonna be late!"  
  
The train they rode was a perfectly normal boring train with normal boring seats and normal boring people. Hairy and Ron talked for a while about Hair because that, of course was the reason for this trip to the Hoghairs School of hairdressing and wizardry was to cut hair. Hairy asked Ron how he was accepted to the school because he never applied and he'd never even heard of the place.  
  
"To get into the school," Ron dictated, "You need to have an unusual hairstyle and certain skills for cutting hair,"  
  
"Well, I've never cut hair in my life!"  
  
"Well you're a worldwide phenomenon with your natural pink afro! You don't need any skills or talent at all!"  
  
"Too right I'm a right thicko!"  
  
"Hey, we're almost there," said Ron. He was right. Hairy looked out the window and saw the most amazing thing he'd ever seen in his life. 


	3. Hairy is sorted

The Hoghairs School of hairdressing and wizardry was made completely out of hair! Long green hairs swayed in the wind, the rims of all the windows were made of scissors and Hairy could clearly see little brown creatures scuttling around the "castle".  
  
"What are they?!" Hairy exclaimed, pointing at the little creatures.  
  
"Oh....well....because it's real hair, sometimes our castle gets...head lice!"  
  
"Well they're bloody huge for head lice!"  
  
"Yeh, well it's a magic school as well!"  
  
When Hairy and Ron hopped off the train they were surrounded by people with the craziest, most absurd hairdos that Hairy had ever seen.  
  
A girl with bright blonde hair, who had left the curlers in too long. One small 1st year whose voice hadn't even broken yet had a receding hair line and a beard as long as Dumbodore's. There was a group of triplets all with Elvis-inspired dos.  
  
'Shame!' thought Hairy hypocritically as he saw a big beefy guy who embarrassingly had dozens of pretty pink curls!  
  
They walked up the comb-lined paths, through the colossal gates of the castle. They were greeted by Hairgrid, the gameskeeper.  
  
"Welcome to Hoghairs..." he started. Hairy wasn't really paying attention as he explained the school boundaries and mealtimes..etc, he was too busy watching his hair. It seemed to be cursed- every couple of seconds, you could notice a subtle change in his hair. It would suddenly change a deeper shade of green or grow larger or smaller. Hairy couldn't really distinguish what kind of hairstyle it was; more of a giant bush.  
  
They proceeded into the "Grand Hall" where they were met by Dumbodore- he was completely covered in sky-blue hair making him look like a fluffy blue bunny rabbit.  
  
"In turn the sorting Hat will place you into your house. Freggo-flippo-fri- dro...how the bloody hell d'you pronounce your name Mr. Fregoflappo?  
  
The boy, who now resembled a fresh beetroot stood up gingerly and pronounced his weird name. "It's Fregofliapoerflafellret sir."  
  
"Right, come on freggo, hurry up."  
  
The boy tentatively placed the hat on his head. "Hippofluff!" it yelled immediately.  
  
After a few shout of Hippofluff, Slytherinse, Maneclaw and Grifurdor, it was Hairy's turn to be judged. Hairy anticipated being put in Slytherinse; he was evil after all. "Hmm..." the hat was contemplating which house to put him in.  
  
5 hours later, the hat had decided that it would not be Maneclaw. Another 5 hours later, everyone heard the deafening snore of the hat; he was asleep.  
  
"Go to whichever house you want!" announced Dumbodore.  
  
Hairy just followed Ron like a sheep into their sleeping quarters.  
  
It was 4 in the morning, so everyone went to sleep. 


	4. Hairy hears some bad news

After a breakfast of an apple (hairdressers need to be slim and beautiful, said Ron) Hairy had his first lessons. Defence against the dark arts- protecting yourself against grouchy costumers at the hairdressers. Hairy found this lesson particularly interesting because according to old myth, the easiest and most fun way of getting rid of grouchy costumers was to stab them with the scissors which you used to cut some one's head-lice filled hair with. (Hairy experimented on Ron).  
  
Ron was sent to the Nurse and Hairy lost his house 20 points, he expected there would be a big fuss over that but no one cared-all you won was a stupid cup. At the end of the year.  
  
At the Hospital Ward, the incompetent Nurse Pompom told him; "I can't really cure you, but I can give you a GREAT new hair cut, to make you feel better!"  
  
Hairy wrote the history of the Afro for his History of Hair homework and then did some research on "The Wig that smelt so much it came alive" For his magical creatures homework.  
  
Ron came back with a bright orange bowl-cut and a huge smile spread across his face. "D'you like?" he asked cheerfully.  
  
"Yes it looks really cool! Is what I'd say if I were lying..." muttered Hairy.  
  
Ron gave him evil looks and started to dance around the room singing Elton John... "Can you feel the love tonight?" he sang passionately.  
  
Hairy didn't know if he was asking him, or just singing...he was worried about Ron.  
  
"C'mon it's dinner time," said Neville Longhair, who had hair trailing on the floor like a wedding dress.  
  
Greeted by the delicious odour of Pumpkin Pie they sat down in their assigned tables. As neither Hairy or on had any friends yet, the two Larry loners sat together.  
  
As all the slobbering members of Hoghairs were chomping on their pumpkin pies Dumbodore stood up and made an announcement.  
  
"We have received some bad news... Lucius Malfluff has informed us...Don't panic everyone... we have reason to believe that he whose hair is too outrageous to name may be in the castle.  
  
Everyone ran around screaming (panicking of course) Hairy was frozen solid- someone had turned up the air conditioning too high! That night, no one went to sleep... 


	5. He whose hair is too outrageous

He whose hair is too outrageous to name is a malicious, callous hairdresser who worked in a barbershop as a lad then when he grew up he set up his own chain of "classy" hairdressers. He was so proud of his beautiful hair and everyone was so jealous. But then one fateful day, when he went to get a new hairstyle an evil hairdresser gave him a hideous hairstyle and cursed it so that it would never change. No one has ever seen it because he was so ashamed and embarrassed that he covered his head in a cape (gucchi of course) and never took it off.   
  
The aftermath of it was a disgrace to the History of Hairs and should not be repeated under any circumstances to any one. That is exactly why I am going to tell you. Every time someone came in for a haircut he shaved all their hair off and cursed their hair so that it would never grow back! All the posh snobs that came to his hairdressers had bald hair. Notice I said 'had'. It was so bad that these people thought death was a better option and committed suicide!  
  
There is only one man who has claimed to have seen his hair and he is in therapy so you can understand why everyone is scared of he whose hair is too outrageous to name.  
  
That night Hairy, Ron and Hairmionie discussed the news.  
  
"One must consider the conjecture one has heard about the whereabouts of he whose hair is so bad he cannot be named," said the big boffin Hairmionie as she munched on some delectable roasted head lice cakes.  
  
"Yeah, whatever I think he's gonna kill Hairy," suggested Ron. Ron laughed but obviously no one joined in, death is a serious issue kids and should not be joked about...Or the joke was just crap.  
  
"Personally I think he's going to get revenge and cut everyone's hair off while they sleep!" proclaimed Hairy.  
  
A silent hush swept over the people chatting in the common room.  
  
"If that's true I'm never going to sleep again!" exclaimed Ron, proudly brushing his shiny orange locks. 


	6. The mullet of power!

The next day a meeting was called in the Grand Hall. Dumbodore was covered in a huge shawl with a scary halloween mask on his face.   
  
"Good morning!" came from the face of Michael Jackson. "Some disturbances happened last night and I'm afraid everyone has went to sleep as ordered last night is now safely in the hospital."  
  
"That means we should do the opposite of what you say!" yelled one stupid girl as she punched a random boy opposite her.  
  
The next few minutes were mayhem. Some in brutal fights against each other, others building human pyramids, some one even gave Dumbodore a wedgie! Everyone ignored Dumbodore's futile attempts to calm everyone down, and even Hairmionie couldn't hear above the dissonant ciaos that had erupted. Dumbodore had an idea that might shut everyone up.   
  
"Because of the present situation it is advisable for you to go back home, however it is..." he trailed off when he saw the euphoria he had created by mentioning "home".   
  
"No lessons! No work! No homework! No teachers!" screamed one kid as he ran madly around the hall.  
  
Hairy decided to stay. He was not going back to the orphanage. Hairmionie agreed to stay and help construct a plan. Ron stayed because...he didn't understand what was going on. (He's a little bit stupid).   
  
"We need to think of a plan," said Ron, stating the obvious.  
  
"First one needs to ascertain what his motives are for this. What does he want?"  
  
"His hair back!" exclaimed Hairy.  
  
"The mullet of power!" Hairy and Hairmionie yelled in unison as Ron sat in a daze staring at nothing in particular. 


	7. Unmasked!

The Mullet of power is located in the Secret passage of secret secrets, fortunately it is drawn on the map of Hoghairs that they received in their welcome pack on their first day. They walked tentatively along at Midnight wrapped under the Invisibility cloak.  
  
"The Secret passage of secret secrets is down a trapdoor," Hairy read off the map. When they reached the trapdoor, Fluffy was unfportunately dozing on it.  
  
Fluffy is the biggest cat in the whole world. From the outside he looks like a giant ball of fluff...and he is. But if provoked, he will produce some very large very sharp claws, and you will be slashed to death- nice! They crept nervously toward the trapdoor. Ron, staring up at the ceiling like a headless chicken, clumsily trod on the cat's tail. The cat screeched angrily and yes, the claws came out.  
  
"Quick Hairy!" Yelled Hairmionie and Hairy revved up the razor. He slashed wildly at the hair of the cat until out of the ball off fluff came a little kitten.  
  
"Awwww" squealed Ron.  
  
"Thank you for saving me," whispered the kitten as wings came out his sides and he flew away.  
  
"Weird!" Hairy said and pulled up the trapdoor.   
  
They jumped down and above them dozens of keys were flapping relentlessly in the air. They had to find the right key and chops off its wings.  
  
"Go Hairmionie!" yelled Hairy, producing a pair of scissors from nowhere.   
  
Hairmionie, on her broomstick that had also appeared from nowhere, went chopping off the wings of the keys.  
  
Hairy picked up the keys and saw if they matched with the door. As usual, Ron stood and didn't help (unless picking your nose is helping).  
  
"Yes!" Harry yelped as the door opened.  
  
"Welcome," greeted a voice ominously.   
  
"Who's there?" Hairy asked.  
  
"Don't you know?" he asked mockingly and guffawed goofily. "you talk about me all the time!"  
  
Yes, it was Voldermorte!  
  
The gang reeled back in fright.  
  
Hairy saw a dark shadow and then its owner. As usual he was clad in a voluminous jet-black cape. But unlike ordinary, he was carrying a wig- a mullet- THE MULLET- THE MULLET OF POWER.  
  
"Give that back!" said Hairy feebly.  
  
"And what if I don't?" he inquired.  
  
"I-I I'm armed," said Hairy and pointed his wand at Voldermorte.  
  
"That little twig! Ha!" he gave a malicious laugh.  
  
Hairy cursed himself as he realised he had picked up a twig instead of his wand! 'They look exactly the same!' He whispered to Hairmionie.  
  
"Now you will meet the same fate as my other hairy friends," he said and began to reveal himself.  
  
They thought it was all over. But little did they know that Ron had something up his sleeve- a mirror. As he vainly gazed at himself in the mirror a beam of light reflected off the shiny surface and hit Voldermorte in the eye.  
  
"Ouch!" he cried and looking to see who the culprit was. As he glared at Ron he saw his ghastly reflection in the mirror.  
  
"My eyes!" he shrieked. He began to swell up as the gang ducked down and closed their eyes- they knew what was going to happen (apart from Ron who was picking up a penny). He blew into a million pieces. The blast echoed around the rooms and when they looked up, Voldemorte had disappeared.   
  
That year for their special deeds of bravery, they were rewarded with 100 points each. At the ceremony, Grifurdor won, and threw away the house cup. Everyone went home happily except Harry. He knew he was going home to the Orphanage. And he knew he hadn't seen the last of Voldemorte. He knew Voldemorte would be ressurected (wouldn't make a very good Hairy Peter 2 if he was still dead now would it?)  
  
With a heavy heart, Hairy trudged home, greeted by the smell of fresh warm gruel. 


End file.
